“Never Got a Dinner!” (Updated)

The amazing Red Buttons was born today in 1919. He was the comedian and actor who hosted “The Red Buttons Show” on TV from 1952-1955. He later appeared in many movies, including “The Longest Day”, “The Poseidon Adventure”, and “Hatari!” He won an Academy Award for his role in the movie Sayonara.

He also won a Golden Globe Award during his career. He starred on both The Garry Shandling Show and The Larry Sanders Show and had a recurring role on ER. He was a favorite on the Dean Martin Roasts doing his famous bits “never got a dinner” and “I was there”!

After Red passed away, I believe it was Norm Crosby who said that what made Red so amazing was he continued to write and rewrite material using the themes “Never Got a Dinner” and “I was there”! The bit ALWAYS got laughs. He even did the bit on the Tonight Show with Johnny Carson.

While some of these lines are a bit dated – They still make me laugh. Some of the lines also show what was acceptable back then, but may not be so acceptable now. Please keep in mind the time and situations where these lines were said.

When Red would take the dais at a Friar’s Club Roast or on the Dean Martin Roast, he would always ask the question “Why are we giving (guest of honor) a dinner?! Some of the most famous people in history never got a dinner!”

Here are some of my favorite Red Buttons Roast Lines:

Abraham Lincoln, who said, “A house divided … is a condominium.” Never got a dinner!

George Washington, who said to his father, “Dad, if I never tell I lie, how am I ever gonna become President?” Never got a dinner!

Cain, whose wife divorced him because he wasn’t Able. Never got a dinner!

Alexander Graham Bell’s wife, who said to Alex on their wedding night, Your three minutes are up. Never got a dinner!

Rip Van Winkle, who said, Don’t make the bed; I’m just going to the bathroom. Never got a dinner!

John Wilkes Booth, who said, Sorry, I thought he was a critic. Never got a dinner!

Uncle Remus, who said to Uncle Ben, You’re a credit to your rice. Never got a dinner!

Goliath’s mother, who said to Goliath, “Stop running around with David! You’re always coming home stoned!” Never got a dinner!

Gandhi, who went to Wendy’s and asked, “Where’s the belief?” Never got a dinner!

Dr. Spock, who said, “Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.” Never got a dinner!

Joe Torre, who was to chicken to play catcher and switched to first base because he didn’t want to go through life as Chicken Catcher Torre. Never got a dinner!

Bluebeard, who said to Scotland Yard, How do I know how many wives I’ve killed? I’m not an accountant! Never got a dinner!

Venus de Milo, who said to Colonel Sanders, That sure is finger licking good! Never got a dinner!

Simon Peter, who embarrassed the other disciples at the Last Supper by asking for seconds. Never got a dinner!

Jack the Ripper’s mother, who said to Jack, “How come I never see you with the same girl twice? ” Never got a dinner!

Noah’s wife, who said to Noah, “Don’t let the elephants watch the rabbits.” Never got a dinner!

Dean Martin’s great-great-uncle, Ebenezer Martin, who said to Eli Whitney, I see the cotton, but where’s the gin? Never got a dinner!

Ray Charles, who said to Stevie Wonder, Maybe we’re white. Never got a dinner!

John Travolta, who said, “My Saturday night fever was nothing compared to my Sunday morning rash.” Never got a dinner!

Romeo, who said to Juliet, For a better romance get off the balcony and get on the pill. Never got a dinner!

Julius Caesar’s wife, who said to Julius, We are not naming our son Sid! Never got a dinner!

Nostradamus, who PREDICTED he would never get a dinner! Never got a dinner!

Adam, who said to Eve, “What do you mean you have nothing to wear?” Never got a dinner!

Stan Musial, who said, Why didn’t they make me the first Polish pope? I was such a good Cardinal. Never got a dinner!

Burt Reynolds, the great sex symbol of the movies, who said, I owe it all to one great part. Never got a dinner!

Aunt Jemima, who once said these hotcakes are selling like hotcakes. Never got a dinner!

Eve, who asked Adam, “Does this fig leaf make me look fat?” Never got a dinner! (Got an apple, but never got a dinner.)

The Puerto Rican doctor, who wrote all his prescriptions with spray paint. Never got a dinner!

Michelangelo’s girlfriend, who said to Angelo, Forget the paint – let’s put a mirror on the ceiling. Never got a dinner!

Maid Marion, who said to Robin Hood, “I will not live in a house with a Little John.” Never got a dinner!

Adam, who said to God in the Garden of Eden, “I’ve got more ribs, do you got more broads?” Never got a dinner!

Ponce de Leon, who said when he discovered the Fountain of Youth, Where the hell are the paper cups? Never got a dinner!

Henry Ford, who despite his immense wealth never owned a Cadillac. Never got a dinner!

Moses, who said to the Children of Israel, “Wear your galoshes, I never did this trick before… and stop calling me Charlton!” Never got a dinner!

Flash Gordon, who said, “No, that’s not how I got my name” Never got a dinner!

Venus de Milo’s mother, who once said to Venus, You never call me. Can’t you pick up a phone? Never got a dinner!

Amelia Earhart, who said, “Stop looking for me, see if you can find my luggage” Never got a dinner!

Lot, who said to his wife as she was being turned into a pillar of salt, Stop shaking! Never got a dinner!

Sophia Loren, whose new baby asked her, Is all that for me? Never got a dinner!

President Jimmy Carter, who said to Pope John Paul II, “Next time bring the missus” Never got a dinner!

William Tell’s son, Telly, who said as his father was pointing the bow and arrow at the apple on his head, There’s gotta be an easier way to kill worms. Never got a dinner!

King Henry VIII, who said to his lawyer, “Forget the alimony, I’ve got a better idea” Never got a dinner!

Joan Rivers, who said to Marcel Marceau, Can we talk? Never got a dinner!

King Soloman, who said to his thousand wives, “Who hasn’t got a headache?” Never got a dinner!

Queen Elizabeth who said, “Not now I’m on the throne!” Never got a dinner!

Aladdin, who said to his wife, “I know it’s not a lamp, keep rubbing!” Never got a dinner!

Saint Christopher, who said, Where can I get a Frank Sinatra medal? Never got a dinner!

Orville Wright said to his brother, “Wilbur, you were only in the air for 12 seconds. How could my luggage be in Cleveland?” Never got a dinner!

Alexander the Great, who said on his wedding night, It’s only a nickname. Never got a dinner!

Lot, who said to his wife we’ve got plenty of salt, its coffee we need! Never got a dinner!

The captain of the Titanic, who said to room service, Who sent for all this ice? Never got a dinner!

Noah’s wife, who said to him after 40 days and 40 nights, It’s your turn to spread the papers on the floor! Never got a dinner!

Dracula, who said while they drove a wooden stake into his heart, Boy, I sure hope this is heartburn. Never got a dinner!

Happy Birthday, Red!

The Power of the Book

I am currently reading the book Ghosts of Hiroshima by Charles Pellegrino. I love to read about historical events. In high school we read John Hersey’s book Hiroshima and it was eye opening. Ghosts of Hiroshima is just as eye opening as it follows many of the survivors after the bombs were dropped. More on that when I finish the book.

The reason for this post is that in the book it mentioned Mitsuo Fuchida. For those who don’t know, he is the Japanese pilot who led the raid on Pearl Harbor on December 7, 1941. He was considered a hero in Japan. What I had never heard was that after the war, he became a Christian. He chronicled his story in his book, “From Pearl Harbor to Golgotha” (later entitled, “From Pearl Harbor to Calvary.”

I found, and listened to the audio book (which was about 2 hours long). Before I go one, here is what Goodreads had to say about it:

Mitsuo Fuchida was a Captain in the Imperial Japanese Navy Air Service who is perhaps best known for leading the first air wave attacks on Pearl Harbor on December 7, 1941. Fuchida was responsible for the coordination of the entire aerial attack working under the overall fleet commander Vice Admiral Chuichi Nagumo. After World War II ended, Fuchida became an evangelist, Christian preacher and frequently traveled to the United States to minister to the Japanese expatriate community. He became a United States citizen in 1966. His autobiography was originally released in 1953, and this edition was published to coincide with the 70th anniversary of the attack on Pearl Harbor on December 7, 2011.

The old saying goes, “God works in mysterious ways,” and you can see that in Fuchida’s story. There is a brief synopsis of it in Ghosts of Hiroshima, but Fuchida’s book gives a bit more info. As you hear the story, you see how three people’s lives and the Bible bring it all together.

Spoiler summary:

First, there is the daughter of missionary parents who are killed by the Japanese, who goes to Japanese POW camps and treats prisoners with love and kindness. Next, you have an American who bombed Tokyo with his squadron, only to run out of gas and become a POW. The prisoners asked for a Bible to read. Each man got to have it for three weeks and during his stay in solitary confinement, the Bible opened up to him. The story of the American POW was printed on pamphlets and distributed in Japan. One of those ended up in Fuchida’s hands. That lead to him purchasing a Bible and his conversion.

It was truly amazing to read how God’s Word changed Fuchida. The conversion led him to befriend that American POW whose story was in the pamphlet. Together they visited the other’s country (Fuchida in America, and the POW in Japan) to share their story and preach the message of peace and love.

The audiobook I listened to (on Hoopla) had an interview with the American POW and another with the POW’s wife). Those took what Fuchida wrote and expounded on their impact and friendship. It was amazing to hear how these two men, who once had so much hatred for the other nation, were able to set everything in the past behind them and move forward as friends and fellow ambassadors of the Gospel.

I’m not trying to preach here, but as I listened to this book, I was reminded of something a pastor once said. He said that “you don’t read the Bible. The Bible reads YOU.” In Hebrews 4:12 is reads: “For the word of God is quick, and powerful, and sharper than any twoedged sword, piercing even to the dividing asunder of soul and spirit, and of the joints and marrow, and is a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart.”

This story illustrates just how powerful it is.

A Life Changing Visit

64 years ago today, entertainer Danny Thomas opened St. Jude Children’s Research Hospital in Memphis, Tennessee. Along with Danny, there were 9000+ people in attendance for the opening. From that day forward, they have worked nonstop to save the lives of children with cancer and other life-threatening diseases.

It was back in 2001 that I first visited the hospital. Our radio station became part of the Country Cares for St. Jude Kids radiothon family. We would go on to host a two day radiothon every year to raise money for St. Jude. The trip was part of our training in preparation for the radiothon.

During our trip, we visited some of the laboratories and heard what they were working on. We also met with teams of doctors who shared stories, both happy and sad. We watched many seminars with country music stars who had worked with St. Jude over the years. Most importantly, we met patients and their families. The entire experience allowed me to bring back things that I could share on the air during the radiothon.

Danny Thomas was born here in Michigan. When he first started out in show business, it was a struggle. During my visit they shared the story of how the hospital came to be.

About 70 or so years ago, Danny was a young entertainer with a baby on the way. Work wasn’t easy to come by, and his despair grew. He turned to St. Jude Thaddeus, the patron saint of hopeless causes, and vowed: “Show me my way in life, and I will build you a shrine

That prayer marked a pivotal moment. Soon after, he began finding work, eventually becoming one of the biggest stars of radio, film and television in his day. He was on Make Room for Daddy, later known as The Danny Thomas Show. Danny used his fame to fulfill his vow, and, in 1962, St. Jude opened, changing the lives of thousands of children and their families.

In 1983, he received the Congressional Gold Medal from President Ronald Reagan for his work with St. Jude.

St. Jude is leading the way the world understands, treats and defeats childhood cancer and other life-threatening diseases. Through groundbreaking treatment and research methods, expert staff and our community of supporters, St. Jude provides customized care for some of the world’s sickest children regardless of their race, ethnicity, beliefs or ability to pay.

That was the thing that was most amazing to me – the patient and their families will NEVER receive a bill for the treatment they receive. My medical bills alone can be overwhelming. I cannot imagine wondering how I would pay for cancer treatments for my child. What a burden lifted for these families.

They not only treat cancer, but also treat blood disorders, immune disorders, infectious diseases, neurological disorders, and genetic predisposition syndromes. All of the research done at the hospital is shared freely throughout the world.

Here are just some of the stats:

St. Jude has helped raise the overall childhood cancer survival rate from 20% to over 80%!
Survival for acute lymphoblastic leukemia (ALL) has risen from 4% to 94% since the hospital opened. Medulloblastoma survival rates are 85%.
The hospital has treated children from all 50 U.S. states and worldwide.
On average, 7,800 active patients visit the hospital annually, with roughly 260 treated daily.
The facility operates 78 inpatient beds.
St. Jude is the only NCI-designated Comprehensive Cancer Center devoted solely to children.
The Pediatric Cancer Genome Project has sequenced more than 800 patient genomes to understand the origins of pediatric cancer.
25 official international partner sites exist in 17 countries.
St. Jude freely shares its groundbreaking discoveries, and every child saved at St. Jude means doctors and scientists can use that knowledge to save thousands more children around the world.
St. Jude creates more clinical trials for cancer than any other children’s hospital and turns laboratory discoveries into lifesaving treatments that benefit patients – every day.

Danny Thomas once said, “No child should die in the dawn of life.” That has become the visionary motto for the hospital. Their hope is to find a cure for all types of cancer. One staff member said during my visit, “The greatest day for us will be when we can close the doors, because we have succeeded in curing cancer.”

During my first visit to the hospital, my first child was yet to be born. Parents often worry to the extreme during pregnancy, and I was that way. I went to every OB visit to make sure everything was ok. When I returned home from my trip, I remember having a great sense of comfort knowing that if, for any reason, I needed St. Jude, they were there.

The cost to run the hospital PER DAY is about $2million. Everything they do and are able to do relies on donations and support from others. 64 years later, St. Jude continues to make strides in discovering new treatments and I am proud to donate to the cause on a monthly basis.

For more information, statistics, and how you can help, visit their website.

Tune Tuesday

I played trumpet in high school. I played it off and on after high school, but I probably couldn’t play more than 5-10 minutes now. That being said, I do love to listen to the professionals who have mastered the instrument. I love listening to Maynard Ferguson, Clark Terry, Harry James, and Doc Severinsen.

The members of the Tonight Show Band were really something. They were TIGHT! I am always amazed to hear that band and how they really cook. One of the other trumpet players I love was a member of the Tonight Show Band – Eugene “Snooky” Young.

Snooky was born on this day in 1919. Not only could he play, but he was a master of the “plunger mute” (It’s exactly what you are picturing.) with which he was able to create a wide range of sounds. Sometimes folks will call it a “whah whah” mute because that’s sort of the sound you can produce with it.

Snooky played with greats like Count Basie and Lionel Hampton. He recorded three solo albums from 1971 to 1979.

He also performed on albums with Ray Charles, Quincy Jones, Lalo Schifrin, The Mills Brothers, George Benson, Tony Bennett, The Band, Steely Dan, BB King, Neil Diamond, and Tracy Chapman.

In the late ’80’s, Doc and the Tonight Show Band went into the studio to record two albums. They are a must for folks who love a swingin’ big band. Snooky plays a solo on almost every cut on the album. One of my favorite cuts is their version of Lionel Hampton’s Flying Home. The saxophones are locked in and sound so good together. Listen for Doc (unmuted) and Snooky (Plunger muted) solos that are simply amazing.

First, the album cut –

The band live on the show (with an intro from Johnny Carson)

Here’s a fun clip of Snooky singing and playing.

Snooky passed away at the ripe age of 92 in May of 2011.

Happy Birthday, Snooky!

Movie Music Monday – Groundhog Day

I’m sure that it is pure coincidence, but you know I had to take advantage of the fact that Movie Music Monday falls on Groundhog Day. I bet you I don’t even have to tell you what song is featured today, because it has kind of become a Groundhog Day tradition.

I don’t know very many people who have not seen Groundhog Day. If you are not familiar with it, Bill Murray is in Pennsylvania for the annual Groundhog Day festivities. Murray’s character is awakened to “I Got You Babe” by Sonny and Cher every morning at precisely 6:00 a.m. on the alarm clock in his hotel room. He relives the day over and over again. The movie grew a cult of fans that watched it every February 2, giving it a foothold in the popular culture

From Songfacts:

Sonny Bono was an up-and-coming record producer when he got Cher a job with Phil Spector as a session singer. They started dating and moved in to their manager’s house, where Bono would write songs on a piano in the garage. He came up with “I Got You Babe” and wrote the lyrics on a piece of cardboard.

Cher didn’t like it at first. She recalled to Billboard magazine: “Sonny woke me up in the middle of the night to come in where the piano was, in the living room, and sing it. And I didn’t like it and just said, ‘OK, I’ll sing it and then I’m going back to bed.'”

Sonny changed the key in the bridge to fit her voice and she loved it.

Fun Fact: Bob Dylan’s use of the word “Babe” in his 1964 song ” It Ain’t Me Babe” gave Sonny Bono the idea to use it in this song.

They last performed this together in 1987 on David Letterman’s show. They didn’t expect to sing, but Dave kept encouraging them until they did the song. Sonny and Cher put their differences aside and gave a touching performance. That was the last time they performed it together live, however, when Cher started her Las Vegas residency in 2017, she began performing this song as a virtual duet to a projection of Sonny.

1987 on Letterman

A Brand New Month

Happy February!

I’m not feeling too creative today. It’s been a very long week/month. As we turn the page on a new month, I thought I’d share some things to celebrate this month:

February is National Heart Month.

“Anyone can be at risk for heart disease. More and more, our sedentary lifestyles are putting us at risk at a younger age. Obesity, high blood pressure, and smoking all increase our risk factors. Get moving. Remove stress. Quit smoking. Eat healthier.

Even small changes help make a difference. Reduce the amount of fast food. Eat more greens. Take the stairs. Walk the kids to school. Go outside and play with the kids or walk the dog.”

February is National Children’s Dental Health Month

“Each year throughout National Children’s Dental Health Month in February, the American Dental Association promotes a different campaign targeting a new dental health goal.

National Children’s Dental Health Month brings together dental health professionals, caregivers, parents, and teachers to give children the best start on oral health. From brushing and flossing to healthy snacks and routine dental visits, the month also includes Give Kids A Smile Day on February 6th.”

February is National Black History Month

“National Black History Month, also known as National African American History Month, during February is a time for all Americans to celebrate the achievements of African Americans. In addition, the month recognizes the central role of Black Americans in history. February was chosen to coincide with the birthdays of President Abraham Lincoln and noted civil rights advocate Frederick Douglass.”

February is National Library Lover’s Month

“National Library Lover’s Month in February is dedicated to the people who love whole buildings devoted to reading, housing, organizing, categorizing, finding, studying, and otherwise loving books. If you don’t have a library card, it’s never too late! Visit your library to get one!”

I am so grateful for our public library. Not only can I get physical books, their apps allow me to get audio books to listen to.

February is National Grapefruit Month

“These citrus fruits range from white to red and sweet to tart but add a brightness to the tongue that will make anyone perk up. And, grapefruits are extremely healthy for you. High in vitamins C and A, grapefruits also pack in potassium. They contain no cholesterol or sodium and only 52 calories per serving. This month, celebrate by eating all the grapefruit you want and enjoy this tart snack guilt-free!”

I wonder if a Grapefruit Shanty would be ok in this situation?

Source: National Day Calendar

Book Recommendation – Stoogeology

As a Three Stooges fan, I have pretty much read every book about them. I have read Moe’s autobiography, Curly’s biography written by his niece, Larry’s biography written by Steve Cox, both of the Shemp biographies, and just about every other “compilation.” This book has popped up on my Amazon “You Might Like” list for some time. I wasn’t sure what to expect from a book full of essays, but Stoogeology was actually a very good read.

Before I offer my thoughts, here is the short Goodreads synopsis:

In the world of slapstick comedy, few are more beloved than the Three Stooges. Throughout their 190 short films, they consistently delivered physical, verbal and situational comedy in new and creative ways. Following the trio from outer space to ancient Rome, this volume provides an in-depth look at their comedy and its impact on twentieth century art, culture and thought. This analysis reveals new insights into the language, literary structure, politics, race, gender, ethnicity and even psychology of the classic shorts. It discusses the elements of surrealism within the Stooges films, exploring the many ways in which they created their own reality regardless of time and space. The portrayal of women and minorities and the role of the mistake in Stooges’ works are also addressed.

What did I learn from this book? There was a lot more to the Stooges comedies than I imagined. I knew that the were all Jewish, of course, but I didn’t realize how much of their Jewish/Yiddish vocabulary was slipped into their shorts. The look at the surrealism was very interesting. I really never thought about how that worked into so many of their films.

What I really enjoyed was the very honest look at how race, gender and ethnicity played into their films. Obviously, many of the Stooges shorts were shot during World War II. The way Germans and the Japanese were played in the films was skewed to belittle them. The in-depth analysis of the portrayal of women in the shorts was very interesting.

Some folks may see the phrase “psychology of the Stooges” as humorous, but there really is a lot to it. I found myself taking photos of some of the pages and sending them to another Stooges friend who said he needed to pick up the book. He really enjoyed the breakdown and analysis as well.

I’m biased, I know, but it was a 5 out of 5 stars for me. Might be less for you.

Friday Photo Flashback

Today’s photo was taken during one of my brother’s visits home. I chose it because it is one of my favorite photos of my dad, my brother and me.

It’s hard to believe, but I think this photo is about 20+ years old. I’m guessing it was taken around 2006ish. I remember my brother, his partner and my dad drove up and we met for breakfast or lunch. This was taken in the parking lot of the coney island we went to.

I am sure that my ex wife and my oldest son were there, too. I don’t think my second oldest was born yet. It’s hard to say. I think I’m pretty close to the right year because I am wearing a radio station jacket. I bet this was from my second turn at B95 which would have been around 2006. They fired me after my second son was born in 2007.

Anyway, I truly love this photo of the three of us. We all look so young here. My brother and I still have some hair, and my dad looks great. I wish we could all get together more.

An Apple a Day … May Drive Me Crazy

After a lot of thought, weighing all options, and calculating savings – I jumped ship.

I made the call last night and not only switched carriers from Verizon to T-Mobile, I went Apple. The best deal for me not only is going to save me about $100 a month, my wife and I both get iPhones for free. It was too good a deal to pass up.

I could have opted for a new Android phone, but almost all of them needed money down right from the get go. I’d been eyeing a few different models, but to have to come up with $200 in addition to what I paid to switch just didn’t make sense.

Technically, we are still on Verizon until the new phones arrive and we get things set up. At some point tomorrow I’m going to have to head to the Verizon Cloud and grab everything from there and put it on a hard drive.

I know I shouldn’t be, but my anxiety and stress levels are slowly climbing in anticipation of the change ….

Maybe I need to call the doc and up some meds?

To T or Not To T. To I or Not To I. Those Are The Questions.

I have been a customer with Verizon for over 20 years. I have stayed with them because I knew that if I was traveling I would have a good signal. When I was DJing, I had their Jetpack which allowed me to use internet to download songs if I had to. Today, I rarely travel far and I no longer DJ. I had to really look at things.

I won’t go into my financial situation, but it recently became clear that we had to cut back a little. We have been paying about $250 for my phone and my wife’s phone. We also pay for a line for her Apple Watch. My mother and father-in-law have four phones on their plan (maybe with AT&T?) and pay about $100. So I began the search.

You would think that if you’ve been with a carrier for as long as I have that there would be some incentive to stay with them. Every time we get a new phone or the bill creeps up, I call Verizon. I tell them what I need and they may be able to bring the bill down a bit, but over time it begins to creep back up again.

T-Mobile’s coverage has increased a lot since they took over Sprint or whatever other carrier they merged with. They have a couple plans to choose from, and even their most expensive one is considerably less than what we pay at Verizon. I guess it helps that I am 55, because they have a 55+ plan. I will make a decision by the end of the day today, but it seems like we will make the switch. With that switch comes another issue.

I have been an Android user for what seems like forever. I have never had issues with it. I have things backed up to my Google account and on the Verizon Cloud (I suppose I will have to grab all of that if I switch). I always felt like it was easier to use than an iPhone. My wife has been bugging me to get an iPhone since we got married. I guess primarily for Facetime. I have no issue using Google Meet or even Facebook Messenger for video calls now, but she likes Facetime.

If we switch to T-Mobile, I can get an iPhone 17 for free. My wife would get an upgrade to the same phone for nothing (as long as she trades in her current iPhone). One of the things I love about my Android phone is that it seems to take better pictures than the iPhone (even my wife has said that). I like how quick I can edit photos with it, too.

If you have read my blog for any length of time, you know that I do not do good with change. Even though I have worked through a lot of it over the last 8 years, it just is not easy for me. I am a creature of habit and I worry about not having the familiarity that I have with my current phone. Every time I have ever had to do something on my wife’s phone, I end up having to hand it to her because I have no idea how to navigate it.

I have the guy from T-Mobile calling me back this evening to finalize things, should the switch be what happens. I guess I really need to think about this.